eegouiran@gouiran.net Subject: My Brief Thoughts

It’s painful and sad that I have no relationship with my dad. [COMMENTS Commentaires :] — and I can assure you it is three times worse for the Dad, whose character and love have been trashed by your mother acting according to her say, on your advice and instructions. I have never understood how she swayed you and your brothers away from perfect neutrality. The separation was painful enough, but she used all of you as witnesses etc.

As you know, I’ve recently turned 50. For the most part, many elements in life that a younger me thought were important-education, career, wealth, having children-are likely established, they are what they are for me. [COMMENTS Commentaires :] True to a certain extent, however it is never too late or inappropriate, I am 70, your grandmother is 97, and each of us is progressing in selected endeavors. You are a young man, albeit whose mind has been polluted by alcohol and the conflict with your mother. However as I understand it, you beat the alcohol addiction, or at least have it under control, and chose to separate yourself from your father to immix yourself in a battle that had no justified reason to exist – the separation was wrong, founded on economics, but it was not your battle and should never have been. You lost more than a few millions when you chose to abandon your father. None of that is irreparable.

For me now, it’s my relationships that are most important. I caused a lot of harm and pain to people I love. [COMMENTS Commentaires :] Dare I say that among those people is PARTICULARLY yours truly ?

My focus has, for years now, been to clear the wreckage of my past. [COMMENTS Commentaires :] That is very good and noble, and I am very supportive of this because it is never too late – but can you separate yourself from all involvement in respect to your mother’s doings to the extent that they harm me ? Can you stay out of any future conflict, understand and accept that you are neither the cause nor the subject of that conflict and that you owe loyalty and therefor strict neutrality to both your mother and I ? If you choose sides, you necessarily destroy the other.

It makes me happy and helps keep me sober by trying not to hurt anyone today and trying to help where I can. [COMMENTS Commentaires :] That is a great step forward but keeping from hurting does not include taking sides. I and your mother are independent components of “anyone”.

I think of my own mortality now. Not abstractly like a young person “knows” they will some day die. Some day I’ll be gone and how will I be remembered? [COMMENTS Commentaires :] I suffered the same dilemma, not in respect to alcoholism of course, but extreme depression and abandonment. Stepping up to the plate means changing the rules, the environment with an expected reward of a renewed life challenge and the satisfaction of accomplishment. My commitment was not discharged, but my commitment did not change because of new commitments, I do not love my first children less because I needed three more to survive (note the unconscious similarity of their date of birth for example). You must act on your thoughts, reconciliation not only makes sense in all discord, but is a mandate compelled by sacrament in the case of your mother and I, and by the natural love and affection that must lie in the father son relationship. That however requires that you refuse to take sides – any side.

Will my daughter and now step-son recall me with love? [COMMENTS Commentaires :] I cannot opine but on one point, that of your daughter and your decision to alienate her from her grandfather – I will advance with certainty that she will take the initiative of meeting me, of initiating a relationship with me. In doing so she will inevitably bear considerable resentment towards you (and possibly her mother) because it was you, for reasons that are inexplicable, and relying on untruth and exaggeration that forbade her from her relationship with her grandfather. I cannot tell you how this continues to hurt me, but in time she will awaken.

I pray to become a grandpa. Through experiences, good and bad, I’ve gained some wisdom, perhaps. In the end, the only immortality anyone can achieve is through the love and memories of those we’ve left behind. [COMMENTS Commentaires :] How very true. And how very sound. I believed the same when the chaos of my conflict with your mother (which will inevitably awaken now that her criminal complaints against me have been dismissed, and soon, her perjury confirmed on appeal in the English garage case) caused me to lose you and your brothers – firstly by the loss of reciprocal trust (trust being the anchor of any love). I have as you know three new children ages from 20 to 13… They have kept me alive, but I have plenty of room for the insertion of my three original children should reconciliation be possible… which means abandoning your championship of your mother’s ill-fated cause.

I share any of this with you as my part towards clearing away the wreckage of my past. [COMMENTS Commentaires :] And I respond in like kind.

I apologize for many things, I harmed you, I wish I could have gotten sober sooner, I wish I had been smart enough, or compassionate enough to appeal to you sooner and help avoid all that transpired. [COMMENTS Commentaires :] It is not, it is never too late or inappropriate.

I never consciously chose my mother over my father. In my mind it was forced upon me, as I could not stand by and witness lies and injustice, waste and malice. [COMMENTS Commentaires :] But in that light, you chose her injustice, her lies, her waste of millions of dollars, and her malice. Albeit blinded by what you thought were you best interest – you chose wrong. But the real wrong is choosing. In a conflict the first victim is truth, and while pointless I can establish without doubt my side of the story. Her success in litigation lies on only one point. I could not appear in the NY courts without exposing myself to losing French jurisdictional protection. The case is not so today as I defeated, and soundly, all allegations against me, dismissed in TOTO in 2002. Your mother’s discomfort with the truth will be highlighted by the criminal charges for filing a false complaint and twice swearing to the accuracy of fact she knew to be false. Similarly, the court in the civil case held her affidavit perjurious, that is on appeal, but once that is affirmed pursuit are certain to follow. It’s crazy, one never volunteers to assist an unknown party in a suit, but her incredible hatred took the better of her – why did you help her ?

I can forgive you. [COMMENTS Commentaires :] Reconciliation starts with forgiveness; the act of forgiveness need not be supported by the verity of the actions forgiven. I have forgiven all of you (yes including your mother) but it is her that keeps reigniting the fire. Her decision to cut communication by all with me, has proven disastrous to her interest as time will show. As long as communication lies strong the weapons lie down.

Yet, I do not think it would be beneficial for me to re-engage with you. [COMMENTS Commentaires :] That is a valid statement if you cannot disengage from participation in your mother’s wild behavior because it is self-destructive. It is a no win for you to participate – the correct answer is “NO” if either of us ask for your opinion, advise, and worse yet assistance. The only real issue between us is your mother and her irrational behavior. I mean her no harm and never have if my strategic choices were irrational in part, that was not the decision of a man but of a man dying at the sight of 27 years of life being stripped away from him, at the sight of the most trusted person in his life betraying him… talk would have easily substituted for litigation, and I remind you that the first litigation initiated after she refused to have regularly scheduled telephone talks with a psychologist.

Should I outlive you, I will continue to maintain the story of a father who had worked so hard and was gifted with intelligence and business savvy. [COMMENTS Commentaires :] I still am as you say you will remember me. I’m in great health by the way. He was a good enough dad when I was young. [COMMENTS Commentaires :] I tried, but I was 20 years old – it is not an excuse, but I rose from the gutter and orphanages, I was not ready or able to assume the role of a good father, but I was never lacking in love or commitment – or for that matter in my devotion and adoration of your mother.

He was just missing something, there was a hole in his heart he couldn’t fill. Broken in that way, he wound up doing many unkind things I believe desperately trying to fill that hole. Buddhism teaches that life is suffering as a result of our constant grasping and reaching. In AA I learned that I have no control over people, just my own actions. I think these are universal human truths. [COMMENTS Commentaires :] I agree, but to sum it up, my greatest weakness is separation anxiety. In those days it was at its worse. For whatever reason that possessed me I always thought that I would lose your mother and with her my children. There lies the culprit of my misbehavior nowhere else.

I hope you find peace and contentment and maintain good relationships with your family. Be good to your Mom, who has loved you so unconditionally forever. [COMMENTS Commentaires :] “with your family”. That is indeed my greatest wish I have peace and contentment and an excellent relationship with my “second” family, leaves the reconciliation so essential for all of us with you and every other member of our family. We must restore a level of trust in part to get your mother to resist her passion for hurting me – those efforts are certain to fail. If that is not possible then reconciliation with all three of you is very much possible if your will all swear a policy of non-involvement, not even discussion of any issue regarding a conflict between me and your mother.

From the bottom of my heart I pray for you, and wish you and your brothers a very healthy, happy, and prosperous holiday.

David